Rest In Pieces
by BigBlacKitty
Summary: A small but significant moment of comfort might be all Fai and Kurogane need to finally 'rest in pieces' [Songfic in KuroganeFai POV]


**Disclaimer:** I don't own CLAMP's characters nor the lyrics of "Rest In Pieces" by Saliva.

Rest in Pieces

**Look at me, my depth perception must be off again  
Cause this hurts deeper than I thought it did  
It has not healed with time  
It just shot down my spine - You look so beautiful tonight  
Remind me how you laid us down  
And gently smiled before you destroyed my life**

You're avoiding me again, aren't you? I can see it in the way you walk in front of me, even in your posture, I can seem to read it – I've come to know every corner of you yet there's still this big part of you that remains constantly locked away beyond those walls of ice you're building. And now, slowly but steadily, they're covering you completely, making me afraid, beyond my will that one day, not even your head will be visible to me, not even that small spark of amusement will be authentic. You're starting to fade, Fai, and I think you've realized too.

You know that I'm the only one who can save you, burn you out of your prison and permanently break that smile of snow, yet you're denying me and the smiles I once saw, those brief flashes of the true you are becoming rare. And if they occur, they hurt more than when you lie. Because, right there in those shining, blue eyes, all I can see is pain. Pain you're not willing to share, not matter how much it destroys you, no matter how much easier it would be to share the burden.

You used to walk beside me, with me looking straight on, unwilling to catch your eye, closing mine in an attempt of patience when one of your teasing comments broke the silence. How I'd welcome them now, Fai. You don't walk beside me anymore, you don't laugh, you don't tease. And if you do, it's edged with bitterness and a forced effort to win something back that you can't bring yourself to gain. It doesn't work that way, mage. You don't need to suffer. You think you're taking the easy way, but you're wrong. In your despair, haven't you noticed? You've been going the hard way all along; forcing yourself to believe it's easier than the other. It's not too late to turn back. Not yet.

"_Kurogane."_ Why does it hurt, even now? It's been so long since I've heard you call me Kuro-chan or Kuro-rin or any of your sickeningly cute nicknames I now find myself cringing for every day. I used to shout, grab you by the collar and insist my name was Kurogane, not Big Puppy, not Kuro-woof, _Kurogane_. Yet you never listened and gradually, I got used to it. Only now, when I thought I was safe, you throw my mind into confusion once more; flip me upside down until I'm spinning with aching insecurity. _Don't call me that, please don't call me that_. It shouldn't hurt anymore, but it does and I don't know how much longer I can stand it. You contrary bastard, what have I ever done to you to deserve this?

**Would you find it in your heart to make this go away?  
And let me rest in pieces**

Suddenly, I'm out of control, something I'm accustomed to be when I'm around you and I feel porcelain under my grasp, pulling you back. There's a moment of shock as you stare back at me, guard down and then that smile, that sick, lying smile. Doesn't it hurt?! If, with every time I see it, a crack somewhere in my chest deepens, what the hell is it doing to you? I hold on, my hand careful but firm on your arm, keeping you there and hoping you won't melt away before I have a chance to break through. _Please, let me in._

"What's wrong, Kurogane…?" Another stab of pain. Your voice is casual, conversational yet that's not what I'm searching for. I'm looking in your eye, trying to shatter the glass of denial and deceit that separates us as you stare back. There's no flicker, no spark, nothing that could match that silly smirk on your pale face. There's only pain, deep, cold pain and the longer I seem to lock your eyes with mine, the more it begins to hurt. _Don't look away._

They're widening and there's fear swimming on the surface of pale azure. For a moment, it's there and I feel myself drowning along with you, fighting to breathe. How have you been able to hide this for so long? I can feel it welling up in my chest, the pressure building with every moment lingered and before I know it, I'm closer to you than I've ever been, my arms around you, pressing you tightly my to chest and hoping the truth will sink through. _Please, let me in. Just for once. Don't hide_. I don't care what it'll do to me in the end, but if it breaks you, I'll break along with you.

**Look at me, my depth perception must be off again  
You got much closer than I thought you did  
I'm in your reach  
You held me in your hands**

_All the way down the dark street I can sense your eyes on me, hot, blazing eyes that seem to scorch through all my barriers, all my defenses, leaving me trembling with vulnerability. How I hate that glare you're giving me, that devoted protectiveness, never a step too far, making sure that, after the short stroll, I'll be home again, safe and sound. Still broken. _

_Sometimes I'd like to turn around and shout, scream, tell you to get the hell away from me and watch the shock spreading on your face, watch you leave, bent, eyes finally turned away so I can crumple up and cry. You never let me breathe, yet I know well enough that it's not possible to do so without you. You're my prison and my sanctuary all at once, my balance in a moment of inequality but the thing that made my scales tumble in the first place. How I hate it and love it and hate it yet again. Why won't you let me breathe? _

_I've been stronger before I met you, Kurogane. You're the one who's tricked me into this weak, crumbling mess I've become, even though I'm aware it's all my fault in the end. I've lost my place, my distance I've willingly kept all this time and you've come closer than I've ever intended to find you. You've dragged me into a stream of emotions that have no end, that cause me to do such stupid things that, despite your angry protests and harsh words have pulled me deeper and deeper into disaster. I know you don't mean it when you chase after me and rave that I'm without doubt the most annoying and dirty-minded person you've ever met and why the hell are you stuck with me?! Because, every time I take one step back, you take two forward. _

_Why do you care, Kurogane? Is it because I look so pitiful, with only one eye, my face so bare and pale and constantly smiling a smile I've grown to hate. The more I use it, the more it becomes a grimace, a foolish attempt to prove to you that everything's fine when, in reality, everything's falling to pieces within me. It's with every smile that I begin to hate you a little more, hate you for what you've done to Hitsuzen, to my Hitsuzen. And that's why I punish you, even though every pained look I receive when I address you is a fatal stab in my own, frozen heart. You should have let me die…_

**But could you find it in your heart to make this go away?  
And let me rest in pieces**

_There's sudden, strong warmth encircling my arm, forcing me back and I look up into those eyes I've spent all night trying to avoid, making me flinch before I can swing back into control. Another smile... "What's wrong, Kurogane…?" But your eyes are not on my face, they ignore my mask entirely and concentrate on the one thing I've never learned to control, the one small opening into the soul I've tried to keep covered for so long. I can't look away as those red orbs lock into mine, narrow yet concerned, your hand never leaving my arm, making sure I don't run away. And once again, I'm scared, scared what you might see, even though, deep inside, I'm dying to show you._

_Yet as you look into mine, I'm forced to do the same. And while I melt under the flame of your gaze, something stirs painfully in my chest, a longing I've so long denied that every arousal of longing makes me want to collapse into your arms and cry. But I know I can't. Not while you're watching._

_I'm about to turn away to flee but suddenly, I'm defeated. Your arms circle around me, pulling me closer until I'm literally squeezed to your chest and I let out a gasp of panic. There's a moment of tension and horror but under the squirming, I can feel your hands shaking. And when I look up to you once more, I can't hold it in anymore, I can't see the pain mirrored in orbs of fire, my own looking down at me in the process. The breath I've been struggling to keep finally escapes and I'm left to fall into your arms, my own body shaking with the effort of accomplishment and your heart beating steadily in my ears. It's too late to run now._

**Would you find it in your heart to make it go away?  
And let me rest in pieces**

"K-Kuro-tan…"

Your voice is choked but it's unique and it makes me reel with reality, my arms never loosening around the frail shape slumped against my chest. I'm not the only one shaking and soon, the alley echoes with stifled sobs as the front of my shirt turns wet with tears. _Fai…_

It's the first time I've seen you cry, the first time in weeks since I've heard my name, the name that now fits so much better to me than the one I always insisted on from the start and there's sore, suffocating relief with every breathe you take as you cry. And as you slowly, steadily wrap your gentle arms around me in return, so tenderly I can barely sense them on my back, I can feel the weight of heavy walls come crashing down, leaving a ruin of dark memories in its wake. They'll heal over in the end, Fai, I know they will.

And even as you collapse completely in my arms and I hoist you up to carry you home, I'm sure of it, regardless of what you say. Even though you've finally given up, you're the strongest person I know.

**Would you find it in your heart to make this go away?  
And let me rest in pieces**

_Lyrics by Saliva "Rest in Pieces"  
_


End file.
